150 things I can't do at Hogwarts

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicated that they are covered with bees.
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steven Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project" for herbology.
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
7. The giant squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore"
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful"
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable; "polishing my wand" is not
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a dark mark on their arm.
12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky...and not an acceptable money making concept.
14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
15. "Liften, Seperatius, Crotchum" is not a real spell.
16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me lucky charms"
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends"
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends"
20. I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.
23. I will not bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination class.
24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
25. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!"
26. I am not a sloth animagus.
27. I am not a tribble animagus.
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, tasmanian devil or a piranha.
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. I do not have a Dalek patronus.
32. I will not lick Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmacy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in Training".
35. Any resemblance between dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes Getting Clean Almost as Much Fun as Getting Dirty".
37. There is no such thing as an invisibility thong.
38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".
39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
42. 42 is not the answer to every question on the OWL's.
43. It's a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself to seriously.
44. I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspect Death Eaters.
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine"
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not teach the First Years to sing "A Wizards Staff has a Knob on the End"
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.
52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corps. .
53. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.
54. My name is not Captain Subtext.
55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potion ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "veela pheromones".
56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as "Big Black Sex Auror".
57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.
58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
59. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes professor.
60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.
62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "firewhiskey".
63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy on school grounds is not permitted, not even for entertainment purposes.
64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
65. A wand is for magic only...it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's postbox.
67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "Cannon Fodder".
68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
69. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
70. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin House mascot.
72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good vs. Evil I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only one!.
73. I will not refer to the DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine"
74. I will not say the phrase "dude get a life" to Lord Voldemort.
75. I will not put Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
76. There is not now, nor has there ever been a fifth House at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that House nor am I its founder.
77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the force".
78. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster" not "my liege".
79. I will not tell Professer Trelawney that I prophecised her death.
80. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor First Years as Christmas decorations.
81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on resident ghosts and poltergeists.
82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavara cures does yelling, "It does DEATH!" maybe correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.
83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
84. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
85. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.
86. I will not attempt to recreate The Key to Time in Transfiguration class.
87. A Time Turner is not a flux capacitor and I should therefore not install one in any muggle car.
88. I am not allowed to use Silencing charms on any of my Professors.
89. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half an hour.
90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".
92. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce, "These are not the droids you are looking for".
93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.
97. I will not claim that there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggians.
98. "OMGWTF" is not a proper spell.
99. I will not under any circumstance ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot and Justin Flinch-Flectchy as Blossom, Buttercup and Bubbles.
102. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate charm on Dumbledore even if it would be amusing.
103. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixi Stix.
104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
105. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.
106. I will not teach the House Elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
107. I will not sing the Badger song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
108. I will not tell First Years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
109. I will not douse Harry Potter's invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it standing near the fire in the common room.
110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic transfiguration spell.
111. I will not yell "Believe it...or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.
112. Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.
113. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
114. There is no such thing as the Double Secret Chamber of Probation.
115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.
116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
117. Voldmort is not Ganondorf and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arthitmacy exams.
119. I will not charm the suites of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.
120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".
121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
122. "Draco Malfoy takes it up the Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT shirt to school.
125. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the revolutionary war in the Charms corridor.
126. I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug a Slytherin" day.
127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the First Years as "Tim the Enchanter".
128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.
129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the common room.
130. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAM!" every time I apparate.
131. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
133. I am not allowed to come in to the beginning of each Herbology class singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".
134. I will not teach the First Years to play the penis game in the Great Hall during meal times.
135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.
136. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.
137. It's a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself to seriously.
138. I will not tell the First Years Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
139. I will not dress up in a dementor suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.
140. I will not start food fights in the great hall.
141. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my calculus book.
142. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
143. I will not sing "We're off to see the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
144. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
145. It is not necessary to yell "BURN" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.
146. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the Power".
148. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
149. I will not tell Sir Cadagon that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell Ni from various places.
150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.